Part 17
OFFICIAL SCRIPT By: Brad Shoemaker and Nick DePalma PART 17: Cut back to Mandalay Bay with the BiTC base still skewered through it. The hole through the ceiling of the casino is still visible, caused from McGregor’s ridiculous rampage with the Trustbuster. The U.S. military flies in through this hole. A bunch of helicopters hover over the hole and secret police rappel down. They stand in ranks and all carry massive battle axes instead of firearms. They then begin to ominously chant and pound the ground with the butt of their axes. SECRET POLICE: C – B – G! C – B – G! C – B – G! C – B – G! (etc.) “CBG’s Mega-Osprey” then slowly descends and a dense fog covers the area. The cockpit very slowly opens up and the President himself comes out, of course laughing manically. Crazy British Guy is being carried out on one those carry-able thrones, wearing an extremely elaborate gold plated Suit of Evil with a flowing crimson Cape of Evil, and of course, the spiky, terrifying, massive Crown of Evil. He is holding a massive (also gold-plated) Scepter of Evil which is topped with a bird’s nest. In it rests the Andybird. CRAZY BRITISH GUY: Oh, thank you, thank you. I’ll be ‘ere all week. And by week, I actually mean eternity. Executive order: dictator for life! He then takes his Gavel of Evil and bangs one of his carriers in the head. CRAZY BRITISH GUY: It is law. Uproarious Applause. GENERAL MAGGOT JOHNSON JR.: Yeah! There’s nothing that could possibly go wrong with that sort of leadership, sir! I especially like how you completely dismantled the other two branches of government! You show those checks and balances who’s boss! You! And only you! The leader who could not possibly ever be usurped! CRAZY BRITISH GUY: A good lad…. A good brainwashed lad…………… He then bizarrely uses the Andybird-scepter to vaporize him. CRAZY BRITISH GUY: Ah, it’s good to do that every once in a while. Gets the ol’ mind a-racin’. RUFFINGS, GET OUT HERE! Malcolm Ruffings emerges from the Osprey, holding a tablet with screens of the other captors. He looks upon the ridiculous outfit that Crazy British Guy has on and simply sighs. RUFFINGS: At the risk of getting incinerated, let me just say “What the hell have you done to our country?” CRAZY BRITISH GUY: Our country? This is my country. Welcome to Crazy-British-Guy-opolis! It took me all of the last….just now….to think of the name. Do you like it? Ah, wait, that doesn’t matter. I like it! Executive Order! (readies the gavel) RUFFINGS: Sir, I can’t let you- CRAZY BRITISH GUY (suddenly extremely evil sounding, with the scepter glowing, has evil red eyes): EXECUTIVE ORDER! Ruffings has no choice but to give in. RUFFINGS (under his breath): He’s dooming the entire world. There’s got to be some way to stop him…. CRAZY BRITISH GUY (extremely loudly): What’s that! I couldn’t hear you over my gold helmet! I’m going to go steal that giant BiTC ship over there, as long as those idiots are occupied. COUNT CRRRRRAIG: BiTC…..more like BiTC……….ches (pronounced like bits…….ches) A-A- A-A- A-A- CRAZY BRITISH GUY: That’s a good one, C-dog. HO-HO-HO-HAHAHA COUNT CRRRRRAIG: A-A- A-A- A-A- A-A- A-A CRAZY BRITISH GUY: Heeheeeheeehee COUNT CRRRRRAIG: A-A- A-A- A- CRAZY BRITISH GUY: Hmmmmhmmmhm (mouth full of tater tot) The brainwashed soldiers also laugh. VOICE FROM BACK: Is anyone actually going to get in the ship? Cut to Reasonable Guy, Deep Voice Guy, and Rosie who are still dangling from ladder out of the helicopter that abducted them. The wind is all blowing all in their faces. ROSIE: We’ve been dangling here for a really long time! REASONABLE GUY: Some sort of plot development must be going on! DEEP VOICE GUY: Shut up Jim! (he begins to shake the ladder and tries to kick Reasonable Guy in the face below him) REASONABLE GUY (while being kicked): NO! STOP IT! We don’t have our power out of the ship! I would die for real! DEEP VOICE GUY: Oh… sorry. (still shakes the ladder a bit) REASONABLE GUY: Wait a minute. Don’t have our power? That’s it! This is all just a diversion! They’re trying to steal the ship!! DEEP VOICE GUY: My God! The 6th member. He’s back! HELICOPTER PILOT: Uhh. You don’t have to keep hanging from the ladder. You can just come up, you know. Just because you’re hostages doesn’t mean you have to put yourself in peril. I mean (turns around) it’s a lot safer up here than down- suddenly, the helicopter crashes into the antenna of a skyscraper. The 3 heroes drop about 5 feet to safety on top of the building. DEEP VOICE GUY: All according to plan. REASONABLE GUY: I’ll go warn the others, you two go and get back to the ship. Reasonable Guy then falls backwards off of the building and parachutes downward. DEEP VOICE GUY (yelling to Reasonable Guy): Hey Jim! If you had that parachute the whole time, then why didn’t you use it before when we were on the helicopter! REASONABLE GUY: ….oh shit guys. I can’t believe I missed that! I guess that I’m only Semi-Reasonable Guy. (cheesy laugh) Cuts to Deep Voice Guy holding a sniper rifle trying to aim at Reasonable Guy. Rosie stops him. ROSIE: Uh, hold on. An elevator arrives and the two ride it down to the ground floor. Camera shows the outside of the building and follows the elevator as it goes down. Busting through one of the windows in the building is McGregor, who’s zip lining through to chase an agent. McGregor chases down the agent, the dastardly Villaintonio Cunningham Esq. through the highrises of Vegas. Villaintonio breaks through the window and casino chips (and shattered dreams) fall out, Villaintonio grapples through to other buildings. McGregor follows. The onlookers below are very confused as the casino chips rain upon them. They stand around for a second, and then a massive riot ensues. McGregor eventually finds himself in an abandoned building. He looks around, and Villaintonio is nowhere to be found. A big neon yellow arrow points to an empty corridor. McGregor stares blankly at the arrow for a bit, but then miraculously has a small moment of intelligence and follows it. Through the door, Hippie Guy is kneeling on the floor with his hands behind his back and duct tape over his mouth. MCGREGOR: Oh…it’s you. HIPPIE GUY: (mumbling) MCGREGOR: What was that? Hippie Guy then pulls his arm out and takes off his own duct tape. HIPPIE GUY: I said “it’s a trap” man. Suddenly, the door slams and the TV in the corner turns on. Who is on the TV but Villaintonio Cunningham himself? VILLAINTONIO: Well, look what we have here? MCGREGOR: Wasn’t I like just chasing you? VILLAINTONIO: Were you? Or was it all just a metaphor… for the futility of the human spirit? MCGREGOR: …pretty sure I was just chasing you… like 30 seconds ago. VILLAINTONIO: Eh, semantics. Now die. A small explosion goes off underneath them and the section of floor McGregor and Hippie Guy are on collapses. A small army of secret police point their guns at them on the floor below. McGregor whips out two Gatling guns and fires at random directions, killing all on the floor. The ground creaks and they fall through to the next floor, which contains 30 angry grizzly bears with flaming chainsaws strapped to their arms. McGregor shows no mercy and they’re all down in a matter of seconds. The floor breaks again and the next floor contains a dozen pirates (stereotypical pirates obviously) with giant cannons and cutlasses pointed at the duo. PIRATE: Arrgh, ye landlubbers, fire! They shoot cannonballs at him. McGregor catches one somehow and throws it back at the pirate. Zoom out to show the entire building. Suddenly, 12 pirates get expelled from the windows, yelling. Rubble falls around McGregor and Hippie Guy. Hippie Guy is clearly horrified by the incident. HIPPIE GUY: WHY DID YOU HAVE TO KILL THEM, MAN? MCGREGOR: Oh it’s ok. They’re all serial killers and endangered baby animal rapists. HIPPIE GUY: Even the bears? MCGREGOR: Especially the bears. The floor breaks again and they land on a very small island. Surrounding them is a gigantic shark tank filled with 50 rabid sharks. VILLAINTONIO (on the PA): Probably shouldn’t have put that island there… McGregor rocket launchers the ceiling and all of the dead bodies fall into the shark tank below. Needless to say, the sharks go crazy. MCGREGOR: I got an idea. McGregor lassoes a shark and pulls it toward him. They hop on and escape from the bloody lake of despair. The jump through the window and a blood waterfall shoots out of the window. MCGREGOR: Looks like we’re jumping the shark… out of the window. Outside the building, our old pal Jimmy is mugging a little old lady on the street by stealing her purse. JIMMY: Golly, this crime committing thing sure is the bee’s knees! The shark then lands on him mouth first and the purse shoots out. McGregor picks it up, still with a hand attached and covered in the blood water and hands it back to the little old lady. MCGREGOR: Here you go, ma’am. LITTLE OLD LADY: Aren’t you the gentleman? MCGREGOR: Well, I am the good guy! The jeep containing German Guy and his captor suddenly drives by. LITTLE OLD LADY: If you’re the good guy, aren’t you going to save him? MCGREGOR: ….no Cut to inside the jeep. The driver is exhausted because of German Guy yapping his jaw at him. JEEP DRIVER: I should not have used up all the duct tape on the hippie… GERMAN GUY: -so then I go over to the guy and then I punch him in his whore mouth because he slept with my wife. Now see back in those days it was customary to be punched in the face, kind of a greeting really (takes a swig of champagne). Now back to the story, I realized that I don’t have a wife! So I ask him. I ask him “who have I been fucking these last 10 years” and he says “my sister”. I punch him in the face twice more! His sister is so damn ugly. That reminds me of that one song you know! The aweembaway song! You know it! The aweembaway! You heard it? Aweembaway aweembaway aweembaway! You heard it??! You- Jeep Driver slams head on wheel, honking twice. Camera swoops through the streets, shows a pirate groggily getting up (“There be booty in these hills!”) and he accidently falls in a sewer. The camera reveals that it’s the point of view of the one, the only, the Thongledore. He’s running at a superhuman speed. His beard swivels around and points in the direction of German Guy. THONGLEDORE: “Beard pun!” Shows a guy slowly and meticulously laying brick and mortar down as he builds a giant brick wall. The guy steps back, in awe of his creation. BRICK LAYER: Finally, after all these years. My life’s work…finally finished. Nothing could ruin this momentous occasion. It shall be my legacy. THONGLEDORE: This is in my waaaaaay! He barges through the brick wall in slow motion, leaving the brick layer’s wall and life in shambles. BRICK LAYER: Well, time to go collect some…cats now I guess. Thongledore emerges in front of the jeep. The jeep driver jumps out of the jeep. JEEP DRIVER: You know what? You can have him; I’m going to join those guys over there… He goes over to the pirates, who are just sitting there, cleaning their teeth with their sword. PIRATE: Yarr, we be needin’ a fresh set of hands around these decks. Also, mind tellin’ how we survived that fall? I fear we may be cursed. Thongledore goes up to the jeep and is ready to “save” German Guy. German Guy, however, has other plans. He gets into the driver’s seat and drives off, laughing hysterically. He turns on the radio, which is playing, of course, California Gurls, which he sings along to. Thongledore looks on and gives chase. THONGLEDORE: Man, that guy is weird. He says this as he is running at 60 miles per hour in a banana hammock, while his beard flails around and whispers to him. THONGLEDORE’S BEARD (creepy whisper): They must never find out about us. Burn everyone. Burn them to the ground! It will be our little secret. Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn- The whole time, California Gurls is playing. THONGLEDORE: Yep, he’s the one that’s weird, not me.